Uncertain.

This is probably the hardest blog entry I have ever written.

Normally, when I write, the words just flow.  Once they start, I can't stop them.  My thoughts, my feelings, my fears, everything just comes tumbling out to form some kind of a textual jumble on these pages.  

Now, I fear that my words have become hesitant...  simply because I doubt my own abilities...  perhaps even my own desires?

Three weeks, five days and 8 hours ago, give or take, my whole world was fracture...  not just fractured.. but shattered.

My daughter, my precious, beloved daughter passed away from cancer.  She was 4 years old.   

The day after her funeral, I found myself being accused of what can be surmised as 'pimping her out for publicity'.  

The primary charge was because her death was in the paper twice within a week.  

Apparently I was selling her out, cashing in on her suffering, and making parents of 'normal' children feel bad.

I have to say here, I really don't truly understand...  but regardless, I was so very, very deeply hurt by the accusations.

The fact that they came via a family member was perhaps even more hurtful...

But ever since, now I find myself in the unusual position where even though I want to write, I am so filled with thoughts and emotions and fears and just general moments that I feel compelled to share...  I now find myself second guessing everything.

I find that now, fear of writing is slowly crowding out my desire to record everything, to write it down and store it for later?

To be honest, right now, I really don't know.

I love to write, and it has been my writing that has gotten me through this so far, but is it fair that I continue if that writing is upsetting others?

I don't know...  I really don't know...

In the midsts of everything else, the one thing I have always held fast to, my writing, is no longer comfort.  Instead I am questioning whether or not I should.

Really, I guess, now, I just don't know which way to go any more.

I simply just don't know.