Tuesday, November 27, 2012

One Month Ago Today...

Well... here we are...  facing the first of what is going to be many...  Today is the first month anniversary of your passing.

One month ago today you gained your angel wings.

I still don't understand.  I don't see why it had to be you.  Why my daughter?  Why my precious princess?

There are nearly 4oo children a year that are diagnosed with cancer in Australia.  Why couldn't it have been one of them?

I feel so angry...  I feel angry because we fought so hard. 

I fought when no one else had the faith in you.

I fought when no one else had the strength to do it.

I fought even though I was tired and I had had enough...

I fought through everything, we endured so much pain, so much heartache...  and for what?

We were beaten at the end by something we just simply couldn't fight.

I feel angry that I had to say goodbye... 

It seems like we have have a month of hurt.  Every time we start to get up from one blow, another one comes down again.  

Just 2 days after we lost you we had to start giving up your stuff.

Then we had your service...  and then 3 days later you came home to us... 

Only instead of holding your soft warm body in my arms and playing with you, all I could do was to cradle a cold ceramic urn. 

We created a special place for you, with all your favourite things...  but it's just a shelf, in your bedroom.  It's not the same as having you here with us.

We still have your airconditioner running.  I know that sooner or later we are going to have to turn it off, but I just can't bring myself to yet.  That is your room.  Your room is always cold.

Slowly, it seems that every day since has delivered another little blow.

Just lots of little things, things that I know are innocent occasions and should be so simple... but they hurt so so so much.

Isabella had her prep orientation...  and I walked into her new classroom and all I could think was that I would never get to do this with you.  You never got your first day at school.

Jessica and Isabella had their dance recital, and as much as I loved sitting there watching them dance, there were some beautiful tiny dancers there, and it just made me think that we would never get to do that with you.

There are constant reminders everywhere, every day, that you are no longer with us.

Even in little things, like jumping into the car and going shopping at lunch time.  We haven't done that in so long because you always had your daytime naps.  We could never keep you away from your naps, you needed them.  

Last week I picked up our Christmas Laybuys and I had to take your toys out and return them.  It hurt me so much.  We had planned a HUGE Christmas which is why I've been paying for it since June... but I put so much time into chosing the most perfect toys for you... and then I had to return them.  It just isn't fair.

Alyssa has developed a love of The Wiggles singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  She plays it over and over again.  She sits in the car and starts singing...  and I can't help but wonder if maybe she's looking for you to sing with you.  You were the one that taught her that song, that was your song.

Even little things...  I will grab a dress out of the cupboard to put on Alyssa, and then at any random time during the day I will look at her, and suddenly I will remember you wearing that dress...  and it just hurts so very much.

All I have left of you are memories...  but it just doesn't feel like they can make me happy.

Each memory makes me cry...  makes my heart hurt and makes me want to be able to have you back, to hold you, cuddle you, sing to you...  to see you smile...  and to see that look in your eyes, that look that told me that you loved me.

Your toy box is sitting here unused.  

Tomorrow they are coming to take away your wheelchair and your bath seat...  and I know that it is only a very short time before we have to hand over your beloved Giraffe chair...

It feels like slowly every thing we have of yours is going away...  and I don't like it.

You have been so much a part of our lives...  you have been so integral in everything we have done over the past 4 years...  and now it's all gone.

I feel so lost...  I feel so sad...  I feel so alone...  and I just feel heartbroken.  I wake up each morning and I go through the motions.  I laugh when I think I'm supposed to and I talk when I think I'm expected to respond.  I cook, I clean, I do the school run.  I avoid talking to most everyone because it's just too much...  but I do what I need to to get through every day... 

But all around me, all I see is everyone is going about their lives, their worlds are still turning, they are still smiling and laughing...

One month ago today my world stopped.

And I really don't know when it will start turning again.


Melissa said...

I've tried to imagine what I would feel like if it were Alexander or Samuel. I've tried, honest to God I have. But the panic, the punch in the stomach feeling - it's too much for me. I can't keep it up.

I have the luxury of shaking it off and trying to put the feeling away. For you to live it now - every single day, well I just can't process that kind of grief. I know I've told you before how sorry I am, but it's never going to really tell you. There aren't ever going to be the words.

A very close friend of mine lost her little boy to cancer when he was 7. They fought so damned hard - 3 times it came back. I watched it from almost the inside. And now I think of you and I know that this is what you're living now. The aftermath of a war - the really hard part now.

I don't know why I'm rambling. I guess I need you to know you're being heard. That Nicola is not being forgotten, and neither are you.

Martina said...

Oh Jo, I really feel your pain. The series of firsts, seconds, thirds that follow what you have gone through is so tough. I still experience it now and Aurora has been gone for over two years. It doesnt get easier, but the scar tissue that protects our hearts does grow thicker with each experience.

I personally like to find a song or a poem that represents my feelings at a particular moment, and the first time I went to Big W without her I physically could not walk through the door as the little girls clothes were right there at the entry... It was then that I found this poem which I hope will give words to a feeling that you may not necessarily be able to explain...

The Shopping Trip

As I peruse the aisles,
of the local store,
I see things more differently,
than I ever have before.

"Daddy's Little Angel",
the embroidered bibs do read.
But, Daddy's angel is in Heaven,
and bibs she does not need.

She does not need a bottle,
a dress or a toy.
Of buying those things for her,
we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,
that she will never eat,
And shiny shoes with buckles,
that will never touch her feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,
from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,
if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,
to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,
and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule,
That my little angel,
will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,
that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,
of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,
and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me,
has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,
used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,
which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,
the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain, in this foreignly happy universe.

Linda Vicory

spotted wombat said...

There are no words to express the pain we feel at your pain, there is no way to take the hurt away and make you whole, but know that we are there for you, greiving our own level of greif at the pain you feel and at the loss. You are all loved, and we will be here with youxxx

Leonie Rogers said...

Thank you for continuing to share with us. I cannot imagine your pain.

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