Thursday, November 22, 2012

Uncertain.

This is probably the hardest blog entry I have ever written.

Normally, when I write, the words just flow.  Once they start, I can't stop them.  My thoughts, my feelings, my fears, everything just comes tumbling out to form some kind of a textual jumble on these pages.  

Now, I fear that my words have become hesitant...  simply because I doubt my own abilities...  perhaps even my own desires?

Three weeks, five days and 8 hours ago, give or take, my whole world was fracture...  not just fractured.. but shattered.

My daughter, my precious, beloved daughter passed away from cancer.  She was 4 years old.   

The day after her funeral, I found myself being accused of what can be surmised as 'pimping her out for publicity'.  

The primary charge was because her death was in the paper twice within a week.  

Apparently I was selling her out, cashing in on her suffering, and making parents of 'normal' children feel bad.

I have to say here, I really don't truly understand...  but regardless, I was so very, very deeply hurt by the accusations.

The fact that they came via a family member was perhaps even more hurtful...

But ever since, now I find myself in the unusual position where even though I want to write, I am so filled with thoughts and emotions and fears and just general moments that I feel compelled to share...  I now find myself second guessing everything.

I find that now, fear of writing is slowly crowding out my desire to record everything, to write it down and store it for later?

To be honest, right now, I really don't know.

I love to write, and it has been my writing that has gotten me through this so far, but is it fair that I continue if that writing is upsetting others?

I don't know...  I really don't know...

In the midsts of everything else, the one thing I have always held fast to, my writing, is no longer comfort.  Instead I am questioning whether or not I should.

Really, I guess, now, I just don't know which way to go any more.

I simply just don't know.


5 comments:

Melissa said...

I don't know who said it, or what could possibly have motivated them to say it, but I'm appalled. And so incredibly sorry. Sorry you're dealing with bullshit like that.

But mostly just so, so sorry about Nicola.

elizabeth.scoffield said...

If you hadn't decided to write about Nicola then many of us would never have had the privilege in "meeting" an amazing little girl.

And for them to say this at such a sad time is pure selfishness and horrible. The only thing I can say is ignore them people need to know about Nicola and what she did her courage is an inspiration to us all. And above all keep writing you have to have an outlet for your thoughts and fears. I would miss your posts very much if you stopped.

Take care sending much love X X

Vicky said...

Your little girl and the impact she has had on people, has restored my faith in humanity. I am sorry that some people have been so unkind . I will also miss your posts, I often read your older posts again and again, I love seeing her smile, and all of the beautiful things you did for your daughter, her years were too short but so so special.

Buzzy bangle said...

People can be very cruel and selfish. When our daughter died my mother in law told me after 6 weeks that I needed to face the world and stop hiding away. One other person told me to get a dog as the kids would forget about their sister dying. When you have a child who you are unsure of how long they will live there is a desperation to share their story so that their memory lives on. By sharing Nicola's story you have allowed people to see what an incredible human being she was. She may not be here physically but she is treasured by so many people who never even met her. Shout her name from the roof tops. Never let anyone tell you how you should share Nicola's life.

becky dolan said...

I am new to your blog (literally today) and I was CRUSHED to read this. Not only because BEAUTIFUL Nicola passed away but because you were harassed afterwards (and by FAMILY nonetheless!!!) UGH!!!!!! I have a friend whos daughter has Costello's Syndrome and she is a shining light in this darkened world. I think your blog is AMAZING and I already posted couple blerbs of your "I was judged" blog on instagram today. You have an amazing outlook on life and I really believe that your writing will touch others in a way you will never know. Prayers and good thoughts to you and your family.

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