To say I am a little nervous is an understatement.
I feel so tightly wound that I feel like I am ready to explode at the slightest amount of provocation. Add to that some pretty insane insomnia and fatigue and all in all I'm climbing walls and ready to start scratching an escape route.
We seem to have been in this position so many times... continually clinging to the hope that we are going to get a bit of good news, that we will hear something positive, and then continually being kicked back down.
Still, tonight we are holding fast to hope. We are not hoping for improvement, we are simply hoping that we are holding ground.
Holding ground is by far preferable to the alternative.
So tomorrow she has her scan and we will hopefully be able to get the results on Wednesday, in time to fly to Brisbane on Thursday morning for chemo and some very blunt conversations with her doctors about what is happening and what is likely to be happening.
I think at the moment the worst thing with this whole journey is the constant uncertainty. We just never quite know what is happening or when, we're following blindly behind a piper we can't really see and can only kind of hear, yet we still follow on because there is simply no alternative... we follow uncertainly, with faltering footsteps, testing the path each step of the way, constantly waiting for the ground to fall out from beneath our feet.
I don't handle uncertainty well. I like to be prepared, to know what will happen and when, to be able to plan accordingly for every contingency that arises.
Instead of planning, we are hoping and dreaming...
But, I have to admit, we are also having some fun.
We are slowly but surely learning to throw caution to the wind and enjoy each day for the precious gift that it is.
We are stopping to play in the park, going to the beach and dancing in the rain.
Well, we were until this cold snap hit! Now it's more snuggling under blankets, sipping hot chocolate and enjoying the warmth of snuggly cuddles!
Tomorrow though we are temporarily back to waiting, hoping that we get answers, that we get them quickly, and that for once, they are at least a little bit favourable.
So, tonight... I feel like I have to ask once more...
Please keep our little girl in your thoughts. If you believe in a higher being, please ask for divine intervention, anything that will give us just a little bit of hope moving forward.