6 Months ago tonight...
6 months ago tonight I saw you smile. You were, for a few hours, free from the pain that had plagued you for so long. You were surrounded by the people who loved you, and you were the center of the universe.
Quite happily you went from one cuddling embrace to another, lapping up the love from everyone around you.
6 months ago tonight we took all your dressings down, we de-needled your port and I took you into the shower. We shampooed and conditioned the few stray whisps of hair that were left on your beautiful little head. We played our soapy snuggles game. We played 'wash the baby bum' and we had soapy tickles.
6 months ago tonight we dressed you in another brand new pair of jammies. Ariel ones. We snuggled you into your bed with your beloved dolly and we told you we love you.
6 months ago tonight you smiled and signed love to us.
6 months ago tomorrow our hearts were shattered into a million pieces.
It is so hard to comprehend that you have been gone for 6 months tomorrow. I still wake up in the night because I hear you cry for me. I still wake up and can hear you playing in your bed.
Every day there are a million reminders around me of the fact that you just simply aren't here... and I miss you.
We all miss you.
I miss you so much it hurts... and it hurts every minute of every day.
6 months on and the pain hasn't gotten any easier...
I don't think it ever will.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Just Imagine...
Imagine...
Imagine for a minute...
Imagine what it's like to hold your small daughter in your arms, cradling her gently, whispering soothingly to her while her tiny body is wracked with pain and nothing you can give her helps.
Imagine what it's like to see her face, a face you have always seen lit up with laughter, now contorted in pain so deep that it resounds in her eyes, eyes that beg you to do something, anything to help her. She hurts and she is afraid, and there is nothing you can do except hold her and whisper to her and let her know you are there.
Imagine watching her sleep, watching her little chest rise and fall with each laboured breath, knowing that at any moment it could all be gone. Every night, you spend hours sitting, watching, fearing that every minute that passes could be her last.
Imagine feeling so incredibly hurt and betrayed by the world because this is happening, because you are trapped inside a nightmare and you know that you are not going to wake up.
Imagine that your world is crumbling around you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, because this is a fight that you cannot win...
Imagine that this is your life... your world, your everything...
Imagine what it would be like to live like this, day after day, week after week...
Imagine now that YOU did this to your child.
Imagine that you gave her toxic drugs purchased illegally on the internet to combat a deadly disease that she didn't have.
Imagine you are the reason that she suffers.
Imagine knowingly and willingly inflicting on your child a life of pain, suffering and misery.
Why?
Imaginary glory.
Attention? Money? Power?
I don't know... but what I can tell you is that this isn't imaginary... this is real, very real.
It happened.
A child who was once very bright and healthy is now battling a potentially fatal battle because her mother fed her chemotherapy drugs to make her sick.
I know that this happens from time to time... you read stories about carers in other places who make their children sick... but this is different.
Why?
I know this child.
I know this mother.
I trusted her.
When she said things like:
"It's a world no parent should ever have to see . . . a world where you are woken each night by the screams of children in pain . . . where you can hear children vomiting from the other side of the ward, retching so hard because they have nothing else to throw up."
"I HATE THIS PLACE. IF I COULD RUN AWAY FROM THIS PLACE I'D RUN A THOUSAND MILES TO BE AWAY FROM IT!"
I sympathised with her because those statements resonated with me. I knew, first hand, the horrors she was talking about. I have been there, I have seen it, I have smelled it, I have felt it... I have walked those halls and I have lived that life.
The difference being that she did it to her child on purpose... we had no choice. We didn't ask for it and would have given anything to have been sent on a different path. We didn't want that life, apparently she did.
The impact that this is going to have is going to be phenomenal.
The people that donated to this woman may not do so again out of fear of being scammed, so there will be lots of worthy, GENUINE people who will miss out on kindness and help from strangers, kindness and help that, I know from personal experience, can make a profound difference on a person's life when they need it most.
The parents who reached out to this woman, who shared stories, hugs and small parts of their lives may hold back in the future for fear of being burned again which may leave parents vulnerable and alone when they most need support and compassion.
The staff who were involved may become more skeptical of parents which may make it harder again for parents who need it to get help.
That is not even beginning to take into account all the other little bits and pieces... the accommodation that was provided to her at the expense of the government, taking away a much needed room from a family who was genuinely in need. The blood transfusions, the drugs provided, the tests that were done, the theater blocks... all of which were taking resources away from a genuine patient with a genuine need... and then there's the support and the charity.
All resources taken from children in genuine need because of one mother's desperate and pathetic need for attention.
And I think that is the part that bothers me the most. This woman willingly inflicted on her child pain and suffering that is unthinkable all for some perceived glory... she made friends with families, she infiltrated their worlds... and in doing so, she betrayed trust.
Not only mine, but the trust of every other parent that has been in this situation.
She has made a mockery of everything that our children have endured.
And for what?
Attention?
Facebook likes?
Money?
I feel like a part of my world has been shattered. I feel betrayed... and I feel phsyically sick that anyone, least of all a MOTHER, could willingly and knowingly inflict this kind of suffering on an innocent child... a child who now, may not recover.
That is something I don't need to imagine.
:'(
Imagine for a minute...
Imagine what it's like to hold your small daughter in your arms, cradling her gently, whispering soothingly to her while her tiny body is wracked with pain and nothing you can give her helps.
Imagine what it's like to see her face, a face you have always seen lit up with laughter, now contorted in pain so deep that it resounds in her eyes, eyes that beg you to do something, anything to help her. She hurts and she is afraid, and there is nothing you can do except hold her and whisper to her and let her know you are there.
Imagine watching her sleep, watching her little chest rise and fall with each laboured breath, knowing that at any moment it could all be gone. Every night, you spend hours sitting, watching, fearing that every minute that passes could be her last.
Imagine feeling so incredibly hurt and betrayed by the world because this is happening, because you are trapped inside a nightmare and you know that you are not going to wake up.
Imagine that your world is crumbling around you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, because this is a fight that you cannot win...
Imagine that this is your life... your world, your everything...
Imagine what it would be like to live like this, day after day, week after week...
Imagine now that YOU did this to your child.
Imagine that you gave her toxic drugs purchased illegally on the internet to combat a deadly disease that she didn't have.
Imagine you are the reason that she suffers.
Imagine knowingly and willingly inflicting on your child a life of pain, suffering and misery.
Why?
Imaginary glory.
Attention? Money? Power?
I don't know... but what I can tell you is that this isn't imaginary... this is real, very real.
It happened.
A child who was once very bright and healthy is now battling a potentially fatal battle because her mother fed her chemotherapy drugs to make her sick.
I know that this happens from time to time... you read stories about carers in other places who make their children sick... but this is different.
Why?
I know this child.
I know this mother.
I trusted her.
When she said things like:
"It's a world no parent should ever have to see . . . a world where you are woken each night by the screams of children in pain . . . where you can hear children vomiting from the other side of the ward, retching so hard because they have nothing else to throw up."
"I HATE THIS PLACE. IF I COULD RUN AWAY FROM THIS PLACE I'D RUN A THOUSAND MILES TO BE AWAY FROM IT!"
I sympathised with her because those statements resonated with me. I knew, first hand, the horrors she was talking about. I have been there, I have seen it, I have smelled it, I have felt it... I have walked those halls and I have lived that life.
The difference being that she did it to her child on purpose... we had no choice. We didn't ask for it and would have given anything to have been sent on a different path. We didn't want that life, apparently she did.
The impact that this is going to have is going to be phenomenal.
The people that donated to this woman may not do so again out of fear of being scammed, so there will be lots of worthy, GENUINE people who will miss out on kindness and help from strangers, kindness and help that, I know from personal experience, can make a profound difference on a person's life when they need it most.
The parents who reached out to this woman, who shared stories, hugs and small parts of their lives may hold back in the future for fear of being burned again which may leave parents vulnerable and alone when they most need support and compassion.
The staff who were involved may become more skeptical of parents which may make it harder again for parents who need it to get help.
That is not even beginning to take into account all the other little bits and pieces... the accommodation that was provided to her at the expense of the government, taking away a much needed room from a family who was genuinely in need. The blood transfusions, the drugs provided, the tests that were done, the theater blocks... all of which were taking resources away from a genuine patient with a genuine need... and then there's the support and the charity.
All resources taken from children in genuine need because of one mother's desperate and pathetic need for attention.
And I think that is the part that bothers me the most. This woman willingly inflicted on her child pain and suffering that is unthinkable all for some perceived glory... she made friends with families, she infiltrated their worlds... and in doing so, she betrayed trust.
Not only mine, but the trust of every other parent that has been in this situation.
She has made a mockery of everything that our children have endured.
And for what?
Attention?
Facebook likes?
Money?
I feel like a part of my world has been shattered. I feel betrayed... and I feel phsyically sick that anyone, least of all a MOTHER, could willingly and knowingly inflict this kind of suffering on an innocent child... a child who now, may not recover.
That is something I don't need to imagine.
:'(
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Just STFU!
I make no apologies for the content of this post or my complete and utter dislike for conspiracy theorists.
If you don't like it, don't read it's that simple.
Walk away now and no one will get hurt.
Every day... every single day, on my Facebook I see one person after another post these stupid conspiracy theories...
Like Aspartame is responsible for an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and lupus and kill you...
Like Red Bull is a secret weapon devised by the US government to kill you...
Like drinking soda/soft drink from a can will cause leptospirosis and kill you...
Like instant noodles are covered in wax that will cause cancer and kill you...
Normally I just simply state that it is a hoax, if I can be bothered, and go about my day...
But now my hackles are up and I've got my cranky pants on...
Because I am SICK TO DEATH of the slew of conspiracy theories going around about cancer... more specifically, how to cure cancer.
See... way back in the middle of last year a particularly rude and obnoxious individual told me that I was the reason my daugher had cancer. I have her refined sugars and flours. I let her have processed foods. I poisoned her. I killed her.
It was around this time that I started to actually pay attention to the number of stupidly ridiculous conspiracy theories that people are spouting and spruking in regard to cancer.
For instance...
Cannabis can cure cancer. Smoke it, ingest it, whatever... but Cannabis can cure cancer!
Eating red meat left to 'cure' in the sun for 90 days will cure cancer.
Drinking barley grass in hot water twice a day will cure cancer.
Eating 13 serves of fresh sugar free vegetables every day will cure cancer.
Most of them I dismiss with a wave of the hand, they're stupid and if people believe them, well, it says a lot about their intelligence levels doesn't it?
But the one single conspiracy theory that is doing the rounds that really, really, REALLY makes my blood boil is the allegation that pharmaceutical companies have a cure for cancer. They know what it is... and cancer can be cured for as little as 20 cents...
But the pharmaceutical companies have hushed this up because otherwise they won't make any money.
Seriously?
I mean, really... seriously??
Do the people that spread this vitriol have any idea of how insulting this kind of thing is?
Firstly, it's insulting to every single person in the Oncology field. The doctors, the nurses, the surgeons, the palliative care teams... the people who deal with oncology patients day in and day out. The ones who watch patients die after options have been exhausted and there is nothing more they can do.
Do you really think these people would stand back and let their patients die if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would cure them?
How about the families and friends? The ones who watch their loved ones go from bright, happy, vivacious individuals to gaunt beings, barely recognizable, riddled with unmanageable pain and suffering.
Do you really think that these people would stand back and let their loved ones, their parents, sisters or brothers... their CHILDREN die if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would make everything better again?
What about the cancer sufferers themselves?
The ones who have to endure the ordeal... the chemotherapy that makes them feel so violently nauseous and makes their hair fall out? The mouth ulcers, the infections, the pain, the constant injections. The radiation treatments, the surgeries, the ongoing barrage of medications to be taken around the clock.
The ones who end up with only one dream... the dream to survive... the ones who wake up every morning and celebrate just because they have woken up and have another day to be with those they love.
The ones who have the most to lose... their lives...
Do you really think that these people would be dying if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would give them back their life again?
Seriously, do you really think at all? Do you have any comprehension of how these theories might be taken by those who have been personally touched by this horrible disease? Any idea how insulting they are? How hurtful?
I dragged my family through hell and back... I fought for my daughter, I moved heaven and earth to keep her here... and I lost.
I lost her.
I lost a whole big chunk of my heart.
I wake every night because I can still hear her crying in pain.
I close my eyes and I can see her face etched with suffering.
I stop and I can feel her in my arms, tense with confusion and fear.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her... that I don't wish to God that I had more than just a photo of her to hold onto.
If a 20 cent cure could have changed that, don't you think I would have?
So... seriously... just for once... think about what your saying...
Or better still...
STFU!
If you don't like it, don't read it's that simple.
Walk away now and no one will get hurt.
Every day... every single day, on my Facebook I see one person after another post these stupid conspiracy theories...
Like Aspartame is responsible for an epidemic of multiple sclerosis and lupus and kill you...
Like Red Bull is a secret weapon devised by the US government to kill you...
Like drinking soda/soft drink from a can will cause leptospirosis and kill you...
Like instant noodles are covered in wax that will cause cancer and kill you...
Normally I just simply state that it is a hoax, if I can be bothered, and go about my day...
But now my hackles are up and I've got my cranky pants on...
Because I am SICK TO DEATH of the slew of conspiracy theories going around about cancer... more specifically, how to cure cancer.
See... way back in the middle of last year a particularly rude and obnoxious individual told me that I was the reason my daugher had cancer. I have her refined sugars and flours. I let her have processed foods. I poisoned her. I killed her.
It was around this time that I started to actually pay attention to the number of stupidly ridiculous conspiracy theories that people are spouting and spruking in regard to cancer.
For instance...
Cannabis can cure cancer. Smoke it, ingest it, whatever... but Cannabis can cure cancer!
Eating red meat left to 'cure' in the sun for 90 days will cure cancer.
Drinking barley grass in hot water twice a day will cure cancer.
Eating 13 serves of fresh sugar free vegetables every day will cure cancer.
Most of them I dismiss with a wave of the hand, they're stupid and if people believe them, well, it says a lot about their intelligence levels doesn't it?
But the one single conspiracy theory that is doing the rounds that really, really, REALLY makes my blood boil is the allegation that pharmaceutical companies have a cure for cancer. They know what it is... and cancer can be cured for as little as 20 cents...
But the pharmaceutical companies have hushed this up because otherwise they won't make any money.
Seriously?
I mean, really... seriously??
Do the people that spread this vitriol have any idea of how insulting this kind of thing is?
Firstly, it's insulting to every single person in the Oncology field. The doctors, the nurses, the surgeons, the palliative care teams... the people who deal with oncology patients day in and day out. The ones who watch patients die after options have been exhausted and there is nothing more they can do.
Do you really think these people would stand back and let their patients die if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would cure them?
How about the families and friends? The ones who watch their loved ones go from bright, happy, vivacious individuals to gaunt beings, barely recognizable, riddled with unmanageable pain and suffering.
Do you really think that these people would stand back and let their loved ones, their parents, sisters or brothers... their CHILDREN die if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would make everything better again?
What about the cancer sufferers themselves?
The ones who have to endure the ordeal... the chemotherapy that makes them feel so violently nauseous and makes their hair fall out? The mouth ulcers, the infections, the pain, the constant injections. The radiation treatments, the surgeries, the ongoing barrage of medications to be taken around the clock.
The ones who end up with only one dream... the dream to survive... the ones who wake up every morning and celebrate just because they have woken up and have another day to be with those they love.
The ones who have the most to lose... their lives...
Do you really think that these people would be dying if there was a 20 cent cure that could be given that would give them back their life again?
Seriously, do you really think at all? Do you have any comprehension of how these theories might be taken by those who have been personally touched by this horrible disease? Any idea how insulting they are? How hurtful?
I dragged my family through hell and back... I fought for my daughter, I moved heaven and earth to keep her here... and I lost.
I lost her.
I lost a whole big chunk of my heart.
I wake every night because I can still hear her crying in pain.
I close my eyes and I can see her face etched with suffering.
I stop and I can feel her in my arms, tense with confusion and fear.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry for her... that I don't wish to God that I had more than just a photo of her to hold onto.
If a 20 cent cure could have changed that, don't you think I would have?
So... seriously... just for once... think about what your saying...
Or better still...
STFU!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Happy Heavenly Birthday Baby Bubble
Heartache has become so much a part of my every day life. I guess everything we have been through, everything we have endured, has skewed my perspective... and everywhere I look I see sadness, hurt and heartache...
And today is no exception to that rule.
Today the world is a sad sad place.
It should be happy, we should be celebrating, we should be laughing and having fun.
We should be celebrating a first birthday party of my precious, beloved little nephew, but he was born sleeping at 35 weeks.
We are having something of a party, but instead laughter there is tears.
Instead of looking forward to many more to come, I find myself reflecting on the fact that life is so cruel.
Today I am adding a whole new level of sadness to the heartache I already feel every day.
My heart hurts for my daughter, for missing her, for loving her... my heart hurts for the pain I see my family suffering, my other children who still cry for her at night, who miss her so much every minute of every day... for my husband who will stop and breathe and have a moment when he thinks of her or something reminds him of her...
And today my heart hurts for my sister and her partner and our families, everyone who was touched by his little heavenly being.
We are having a little party this afternoon. It is not a joyous occasion, but I feel the need to do something to mark his anniversary.
We have a little cake with blue frosting and silver sparkles, and we have some balloons that we will send to Heaven... and we will sing Happy Birthday.
We also have a few little balloons that we will send to Nicola as well.
My only hope is that today of all days, they have each other up there, they can find comfort in each others presence...
Because God knows, today there is little comfort down here without them.
And today is no exception to that rule.
Today the world is a sad sad place.
It should be happy, we should be celebrating, we should be laughing and having fun.
We should be celebrating a first birthday party of my precious, beloved little nephew, but he was born sleeping at 35 weeks.
We are having something of a party, but instead laughter there is tears.
Instead of looking forward to many more to come, I find myself reflecting on the fact that life is so cruel.
Today I am adding a whole new level of sadness to the heartache I already feel every day.
My heart hurts for my daughter, for missing her, for loving her... my heart hurts for the pain I see my family suffering, my other children who still cry for her at night, who miss her so much every minute of every day... for my husband who will stop and breathe and have a moment when he thinks of her or something reminds him of her...
And today my heart hurts for my sister and her partner and our families, everyone who was touched by his little heavenly being.
We are having a little party this afternoon. It is not a joyous occasion, but I feel the need to do something to mark his anniversary.
We have a little cake with blue frosting and silver sparkles, and we have some balloons that we will send to Heaven... and we will sing Happy Birthday.
We also have a few little balloons that we will send to Nicola as well.
My only hope is that today of all days, they have each other up there, they can find comfort in each others presence...
Because God knows, today there is little comfort down here without them.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Happy Heavenly First Birthday
Baby Bubble
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Today should have been so very different.
Just know, we are thinking about you...
Loving you...
Missing you...
Celebrating you this side of Heaven!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Monday, December 31, 2012
A Few More Hours...
Christmas has come and gone... It just didn't seem real, it didn't seem right.
Christmas eve was hard. Normally I would have you sitting up with me while I wrapped the presents from Santa. I would curse while trying to wrap awkwardly shaped gifts, and you would laugh your little laugh and try and wrap your self...
Yet this year, Christmas eve, there was a gaping silence that should have been filled by you, and it hurt.
It hurt so, so, so very much, and it just wasn't right.
Christmas Day... well... we went through the motions. We got up, we opened presents, we laughed, we had breakfast, we had lunch, we watched the girls play with their toys, but all the while I was acutely aware that you were not here.
That was probably exacerbated by the fact that a family member bought The Wiggles Christmas CD up and spent most of the day demanding that we listen to it. As lucky as he was that the fry pan was actually in use so I couldn't hit him upside the head with it (and I know how much that would have made you laugh!) it hurt to have constant reminders around about how much of a gap you have left in our lives.
Now it is New Years Eve...
In less than two hours it will be 2013...
And to be honest, that thought just utterly terrifies me.
It shouldn't, I know that... God knows, this year has been hell on Earth. There have been some highlights, like the amazing friends we have had come into our lives, and the incredible trip to Disneyland, seeing the snow and the excitement on your face as you tobogganed down the slopes with your Daddy and all the other things that we did together as a family...
But this year we also said goodbye to Baby Krist before we got a chance to really meet him. We watched as you endured one horrible chemo session after another, as your pain intensified and your body weakened, as the horrible cancer took it's toll on your body... and we watched as you faded away before us. We said goodbye to you...
And that was single handedly the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.
But, still, at least for most of 2012 I had you here. Even with the chemo and the pain and the suffering and everything else, I had you here. I could hold you, I could cuddle you, I could talk to you... but now you're gone.
And that is why the thought of facing 2013 is so painful.
The thought of a whole year without you in my life is just horrific.
The fact that it is the first of many just fills my heart with so much hurt.
2013 is going to be bringing change... and I don't want to face that.
But regardless of whether I want to face it or not, it is coming... in just a matter of hours.
And, just like everything else that has happened in the last 12 months, I can't stop it. I can't change it. Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it...
In a way, it feels like I am saying goodbye all over again...
And I don't like that...
Not one little bit.
Christmas eve was hard. Normally I would have you sitting up with me while I wrapped the presents from Santa. I would curse while trying to wrap awkwardly shaped gifts, and you would laugh your little laugh and try and wrap your self...
Yet this year, Christmas eve, there was a gaping silence that should have been filled by you, and it hurt.
It hurt so, so, so very much, and it just wasn't right.
Christmas Day... well... we went through the motions. We got up, we opened presents, we laughed, we had breakfast, we had lunch, we watched the girls play with their toys, but all the while I was acutely aware that you were not here.
That was probably exacerbated by the fact that a family member bought The Wiggles Christmas CD up and spent most of the day demanding that we listen to it. As lucky as he was that the fry pan was actually in use so I couldn't hit him upside the head with it (and I know how much that would have made you laugh!) it hurt to have constant reminders around about how much of a gap you have left in our lives.
Now it is New Years Eve...
In less than two hours it will be 2013...
And to be honest, that thought just utterly terrifies me.
It shouldn't, I know that... God knows, this year has been hell on Earth. There have been some highlights, like the amazing friends we have had come into our lives, and the incredible trip to Disneyland, seeing the snow and the excitement on your face as you tobogganed down the slopes with your Daddy and all the other things that we did together as a family...
But this year we also said goodbye to Baby Krist before we got a chance to really meet him. We watched as you endured one horrible chemo session after another, as your pain intensified and your body weakened, as the horrible cancer took it's toll on your body... and we watched as you faded away before us. We said goodbye to you...
And that was single handedly the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.
But, still, at least for most of 2012 I had you here. Even with the chemo and the pain and the suffering and everything else, I had you here. I could hold you, I could cuddle you, I could talk to you... but now you're gone.
And that is why the thought of facing 2013 is so painful.
The thought of a whole year without you in my life is just horrific.
The fact that it is the first of many just fills my heart with so much hurt.
2013 is going to be bringing change... and I don't want to face that.
But regardless of whether I want to face it or not, it is coming... in just a matter of hours.
And, just like everything else that has happened in the last 12 months, I can't stop it. I can't change it. Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it...
In a way, it feels like I am saying goodbye all over again...
And I don't like that...
Not one little bit.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
I thought of you today...
I thought of you today...
I know I think of you every day, but today it just seems that you've been especially on my mind.
Yesterday was hard. We went to the Camp Quality Mad Hatters Tea Party... and I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't suspect it to slap me in the face quite as hard as it did.
They have a puppet that looks just like you. The puppet sat next to me talking to the girls... and all I could think of was you.
It was so hard not to cry and run away.
And today...
I don't know what it is... I think today is just a day that you've been on all our minds.
Isabella has been asking lots of questions about you. She keeps telling me that she knows that she has you inside her heart, but she wants you on the outside as well.
Every time she says it I feel another stab of pain in my heart, because I know that I want you on the outside too.
Everything now seems to remind me of you.
We set our Christmas tree up yesterday. We had contemplated getting another one, and then I realised that the tree we have now is the only tree you have ever seen.
We bought it the first Christmas we had you in our lives. It has been decorated every year with so much love. Even now, I look at it and it makes my heart hurt for you.
We still have the same tinsel that you loved running your fingers through. You laughed so much every time you touched it. It was so tickly on your little hands and fingers.
We got rid of a lot of the decorations that we used to have... but if I had known that we would no longer have you, I would have kept them. There were so many memories... but now, looking at my tree...
There is a crown that was given to us to hang on our tree as a reminder of the princess that you were.
A cupcake, to remind us of how much you loved your food, especially your cakes.
Birds, for your freedom and your love of music.
A beautiful bauble that we bought back from Disneyland... to remind us of our happiest days on Earth...
It is a tree that has seen better days... it is slowly falling apart, branch by branch... and it has seen more than it's $25 share of life...
But it is a tree that is so full of love.
Everything in our lives seems to be filled with so much love... just not with you.
And we miss you.
So very much it hurts.
I know I think of you every day, but today it just seems that you've been especially on my mind.
Yesterday was hard. We went to the Camp Quality Mad Hatters Tea Party... and I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't suspect it to slap me in the face quite as hard as it did.
They have a puppet that looks just like you. The puppet sat next to me talking to the girls... and all I could think of was you.
It was so hard not to cry and run away.
And today...
I don't know what it is... I think today is just a day that you've been on all our minds.
Isabella has been asking lots of questions about you. She keeps telling me that she knows that she has you inside her heart, but she wants you on the outside as well.
Every time she says it I feel another stab of pain in my heart, because I know that I want you on the outside too.
Everything now seems to remind me of you.
We set our Christmas tree up yesterday. We had contemplated getting another one, and then I realised that the tree we have now is the only tree you have ever seen.
We bought it the first Christmas we had you in our lives. It has been decorated every year with so much love. Even now, I look at it and it makes my heart hurt for you.
We still have the same tinsel that you loved running your fingers through. You laughed so much every time you touched it. It was so tickly on your little hands and fingers.
We got rid of a lot of the decorations that we used to have... but if I had known that we would no longer have you, I would have kept them. There were so many memories... but now, looking at my tree...
There is a crown that was given to us to hang on our tree as a reminder of the princess that you were.
A cupcake, to remind us of how much you loved your food, especially your cakes.
Birds, for your freedom and your love of music.
A beautiful bauble that we bought back from Disneyland... to remind us of our happiest days on Earth...
It is a tree that has seen better days... it is slowly falling apart, branch by branch... and it has seen more than it's $25 share of life...
But it is a tree that is so full of love.
Everything in our lives seems to be filled with so much love... just not with you.
And we miss you.
So very much it hurts.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
One Month Ago Today...
Well... here we are... facing the first of what is going to be many... Today is the first month anniversary of your passing.
One month ago today you gained your angel wings.
I still don't understand. I don't see why it had to be you. Why my daughter? Why my precious princess?
There are nearly 4oo children a year that are diagnosed with cancer in Australia. Why couldn't it have been one of them?
I feel so angry... I feel angry because we fought so hard.
I fought when no one else had the faith in you.
I fought when no one else had the strength to do it.
I fought even though I was tired and I had had enough...
I fought through everything, we endured so much pain, so much heartache... and for what?
We were beaten at the end by something we just simply couldn't fight.
I feel angry that I had to say goodbye...
It seems like we have have a month of hurt. Every time we start to get up from one blow, another one comes down again.
Just 2 days after we lost you we had to start giving up your stuff.
Then we had your service... and then 3 days later you came home to us...
Only instead of holding your soft warm body in my arms and playing with you, all I could do was to cradle a cold ceramic urn.
We created a special place for you, with all your favourite things... but it's just a shelf, in your bedroom. It's not the same as having you here with us.
We still have your airconditioner running. I know that sooner or later we are going to have to turn it off, but I just can't bring myself to yet. That is your room. Your room is always cold.
Slowly, it seems that every day since has delivered another little blow.
Just lots of little things, things that I know are innocent occasions and should be so simple... but they hurt so so so much.
Isabella had her prep orientation... and I walked into her new classroom and all I could think was that I would never get to do this with you. You never got your first day at school.
Jessica and Isabella had their dance recital, and as much as I loved sitting there watching them dance, there were some beautiful tiny dancers there, and it just made me think that we would never get to do that with you.
There are constant reminders everywhere, every day, that you are no longer with us.
Even in little things, like jumping into the car and going shopping at lunch time. We haven't done that in so long because you always had your daytime naps. We could never keep you away from your naps, you needed them.
Last week I picked up our Christmas Laybuys and I had to take your toys out and return them. It hurt me so much. We had planned a HUGE Christmas which is why I've been paying for it since June... but I put so much time into chosing the most perfect toys for you... and then I had to return them. It just isn't fair.
Alyssa has developed a love of The Wiggles singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She plays it over and over again. She sits in the car and starts singing... and I can't help but wonder if maybe she's looking for you to sing with you. You were the one that taught her that song, that was your song.
Even little things... I will grab a dress out of the cupboard to put on Alyssa, and then at any random time during the day I will look at her, and suddenly I will remember you wearing that dress... and it just hurts so very much.
All I have left of you are memories... but it just doesn't feel like they can make me happy.
Each memory makes me cry... makes my heart hurt and makes me want to be able to have you back, to hold you, cuddle you, sing to you... to see you smile... and to see that look in your eyes, that look that told me that you loved me.
Your toy box is sitting here unused.
Tomorrow they are coming to take away your wheelchair and your bath seat... and I know that it is only a very short time before we have to hand over your beloved Giraffe chair...
It feels like slowly every thing we have of yours is going away... and I don't like it.
You have been so much a part of our lives... you have been so integral in everything we have done over the past 4 years... and now it's all gone.
I feel so lost... I feel so sad... I feel so alone... and I just feel heartbroken. I wake up each morning and I go through the motions. I laugh when I think I'm supposed to and I talk when I think I'm expected to respond. I cook, I clean, I do the school run. I avoid talking to most everyone because it's just too much... but I do what I need to to get through every day...
But all around me, all I see is everyone is going about their lives, their worlds are still turning, they are still smiling and laughing...
One month ago today my world stopped.
And I really don't know when it will start turning again.
One month ago today you gained your angel wings.
I still don't understand. I don't see why it had to be you. Why my daughter? Why my precious princess?
There are nearly 4oo children a year that are diagnosed with cancer in Australia. Why couldn't it have been one of them?
I feel so angry... I feel angry because we fought so hard.
I fought when no one else had the faith in you.
I fought when no one else had the strength to do it.
I fought even though I was tired and I had had enough...
I fought through everything, we endured so much pain, so much heartache... and for what?
We were beaten at the end by something we just simply couldn't fight.
I feel angry that I had to say goodbye...
It seems like we have have a month of hurt. Every time we start to get up from one blow, another one comes down again.
Just 2 days after we lost you we had to start giving up your stuff.
Then we had your service... and then 3 days later you came home to us...
Only instead of holding your soft warm body in my arms and playing with you, all I could do was to cradle a cold ceramic urn.
We created a special place for you, with all your favourite things... but it's just a shelf, in your bedroom. It's not the same as having you here with us.
We still have your airconditioner running. I know that sooner or later we are going to have to turn it off, but I just can't bring myself to yet. That is your room. Your room is always cold.
Slowly, it seems that every day since has delivered another little blow.
Just lots of little things, things that I know are innocent occasions and should be so simple... but they hurt so so so much.
Isabella had her prep orientation... and I walked into her new classroom and all I could think was that I would never get to do this with you. You never got your first day at school.
Jessica and Isabella had their dance recital, and as much as I loved sitting there watching them dance, there were some beautiful tiny dancers there, and it just made me think that we would never get to do that with you.
There are constant reminders everywhere, every day, that you are no longer with us.
Even in little things, like jumping into the car and going shopping at lunch time. We haven't done that in so long because you always had your daytime naps. We could never keep you away from your naps, you needed them.
Last week I picked up our Christmas Laybuys and I had to take your toys out and return them. It hurt me so much. We had planned a HUGE Christmas which is why I've been paying for it since June... but I put so much time into chosing the most perfect toys for you... and then I had to return them. It just isn't fair.
Alyssa has developed a love of The Wiggles singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She plays it over and over again. She sits in the car and starts singing... and I can't help but wonder if maybe she's looking for you to sing with you. You were the one that taught her that song, that was your song.
Even little things... I will grab a dress out of the cupboard to put on Alyssa, and then at any random time during the day I will look at her, and suddenly I will remember you wearing that dress... and it just hurts so very much.
All I have left of you are memories... but it just doesn't feel like they can make me happy.
Each memory makes me cry... makes my heart hurt and makes me want to be able to have you back, to hold you, cuddle you, sing to you... to see you smile... and to see that look in your eyes, that look that told me that you loved me.
Your toy box is sitting here unused.
Tomorrow they are coming to take away your wheelchair and your bath seat... and I know that it is only a very short time before we have to hand over your beloved Giraffe chair...
It feels like slowly every thing we have of yours is going away... and I don't like it.
You have been so much a part of our lives... you have been so integral in everything we have done over the past 4 years... and now it's all gone.
I feel so lost... I feel so sad... I feel so alone... and I just feel heartbroken. I wake up each morning and I go through the motions. I laugh when I think I'm supposed to and I talk when I think I'm expected to respond. I cook, I clean, I do the school run. I avoid talking to most everyone because it's just too much... but I do what I need to to get through every day...
But all around me, all I see is everyone is going about their lives, their worlds are still turning, they are still smiling and laughing...
One month ago today my world stopped.
And I really don't know when it will start turning again.
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