A Few More Hours...

Christmas has come and gone...  It just didn't seem real, it didn't seem right.  

Christmas eve was hard.  Normally I would have you sitting up with me while I wrapped the presents from Santa.   I would curse while trying to wrap awkwardly shaped gifts, and you would laugh your little laugh and try and wrap your self...

Yet this year, Christmas eve, there was a gaping silence that should have been filled by you, and it hurt.

It hurt so, so, so very much, and it just wasn't right.

Christmas Day...  well...  we went through the motions.  We got up, we opened presents, we laughed, we had breakfast, we had lunch, we watched the girls play with their toys, but all the while I was acutely aware that you were not here.

That was probably exacerbated by the fact that a family member bought The Wiggles Christmas CD up and spent most of the day demanding that we listen to it.  As lucky as he was that the fry pan was actually in use so I couldn't hit him upside the head with it (and I know how much that would have made you laugh!) it hurt to have constant reminders around about how much of a gap you have left in our lives.

Now it is New Years Eve...

In less than two hours it will be 2013...

And to be honest, that thought just utterly terrifies me.

It shouldn't, I know that...  God knows, this year has been hell on Earth.  There have been some highlights, like the amazing friends we have had come into our lives, and the incredible trip to Disneyland, seeing the snow and the excitement on your face as you tobogganed down the slopes with your Daddy and all the other things that we did together as a family...  

But this year we also said goodbye to Baby Krist before we got a chance to really meet him.  We watched as you endured one horrible chemo session after another, as your pain intensified and your body weakened, as the horrible cancer took it's toll on your body...  and we watched as you faded away before us.  We said goodbye to you...  

And that was single handedly the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.  

But, still, at least for most of 2012 I had you here.  Even with the chemo and the pain and the suffering and everything else, I had you here.  I could hold you, I could cuddle you, I could talk to you...  but now you're gone.

And that is why the thought of facing 2013 is so painful.

The thought of a whole year without you in my life is just horrific. 

The fact that it is the first of many just fills my heart with so much hurt.  

2013 is going to be bringing change...  and I don't want to face that.

But regardless of whether I want to face it or not, it is coming... in just a matter of hours.

And, just like everything else that has happened in the last 12 months, I can't stop it.  I can't change it.  Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it...

In a way, it feels like I am saying goodbye all over again...  


And I don't like that...

Not one little bit.