I have spent hours staring at a blank white blog page, trying to find the words, to put words together, to try and do something to explain...
But words fail me.
I think the problem is that when I write, I write my feelings, I write my emotions...
And right now, I am just emotionally numb.
8am this morning we got the phone call we had been waiting on... a call from Nicola's oncologist in Brisbane... with the results of Nicola's MRI from yesterday.
We knew yesterday that it wasn't going to be good news.
Today it was confirmed.
The cancer has spread, aggressively.
It is impacting most of her major organs, but predominantly it is impacting on her kidneys and her bladder. Both her kidneys and her bladder are swollen and not emptying properly.
Her blood tests show that her kidney function is impaired.
There is nothing that can be done. Surgery is not an option, no surgeon will do anything invasive because it will only cause her pain and will not buy her any more time.
Further chemo is not an option because she has severe renal impairment.
We are officially out of options...
And with how rapidly she has shown progression of disease we are now fast running out of time.
If we are lucky, if we are REALLY lucky, we may have a few weeks.
If her health deteriorates, we may have a matter of days.
That is what my daughter's life has been reduced to.
This time last week we were in California. We were high on happiness at Disneyland. We were celebrating and enjoying the time of our lives...
Today I don't know what to think or feel.
I feel hurt and angry... I feel confused... I feel alone in a room full of people.
I want to pause time, I want to pick her up and hold her in my arms and make time stand still so I can stay in that moment for ever...
But I can't.
Instead every hour seems to be zooming past at an alarming rate and I just don't know what to do next.
I feel overwhelmed... and lost.
I feel numb.