A Few More Hours...

Christmas has come and gone...  It just didn't seem real, it didn't seem right.  

Christmas eve was hard.  Normally I would have you sitting up with me while I wrapped the presents from Santa.   I would curse while trying to wrap awkwardly shaped gifts, and you would laugh your little laugh and try and wrap your self...

Yet this year, Christmas eve, there was a gaping silence that should have been filled by you, and it hurt.

It hurt so, so, so very much, and it just wasn't right.

Christmas Day...  well...  we went through the motions.  We got up, we opened presents, we laughed, we had breakfast, we had lunch, we watched the girls play with their toys, but all the while I was acutely aware that you were not here.

That was probably exacerbated by the fact that a family member bought The Wiggles Christmas CD up and spent most of the day demanding that we listen to it.  As lucky as he was that the fry pan was actually in use so I couldn't hit him upside the head with it (and I know how much that would have made you laugh!) it hurt to have constant reminders around about how much of a gap you have left in our lives.

Now it is New Years Eve...

In less than two hours it will be 2013...

And to be honest, that thought just utterly terrifies me.

It shouldn't, I know that...  God knows, this year has been hell on Earth.  There have been some highlights, like the amazing friends we have had come into our lives, and the incredible trip to Disneyland, seeing the snow and the excitement on your face as you tobogganed down the slopes with your Daddy and all the other things that we did together as a family...  

But this year we also said goodbye to Baby Krist before we got a chance to really meet him.  We watched as you endured one horrible chemo session after another, as your pain intensified and your body weakened, as the horrible cancer took it's toll on your body...  and we watched as you faded away before us.  We said goodbye to you...  

And that was single handedly the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.  

But, still, at least for most of 2012 I had you here.  Even with the chemo and the pain and the suffering and everything else, I had you here.  I could hold you, I could cuddle you, I could talk to you...  but now you're gone.

And that is why the thought of facing 2013 is so painful.

The thought of a whole year without you in my life is just horrific. 

The fact that it is the first of many just fills my heart with so much hurt.  

2013 is going to be bringing change...  and I don't want to face that.

But regardless of whether I want to face it or not, it is coming... in just a matter of hours.

And, just like everything else that has happened in the last 12 months, I can't stop it.  I can't change it.  Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it...

In a way, it feels like I am saying goodbye all over again...  


And I don't like that...

Not one little bit.

I thought of you today...

I thought of you today...

I know I think of you every day, but today it just seems that you've been especially on my mind.

Yesterday was hard.  We went to the Camp Quality Mad Hatters Tea Party...  and I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I didn't suspect it to slap me in the face quite as hard as it did.

They have a puppet that looks just like you.  The puppet sat next to me talking to the girls...  and all I could think of was you.

It was so hard not to cry and run away.

And today...

I don't know what it is...  I think today is just a day that you've been on all our minds.

Isabella has been asking lots of questions about you.  She keeps telling me that she knows that she has you inside her heart, but she wants you on the outside as well.

Every time she says it I feel another stab of pain in my heart, because I know that I want you on the outside too.

Everything now seems to remind me of you.

We set our Christmas tree up yesterday.  We had contemplated getting another one, and then I realised that the tree we have now is the only tree you have ever seen.

We bought it the first Christmas we had you in our lives.  It has been decorated every year with so much love.  Even now, I look at it and it makes my heart hurt for you.

We still have the same tinsel that you loved running your fingers through.  You laughed so much every time you touched it.  It was so tickly on your little hands and fingers.

We got rid of a lot of the decorations that we used to have...  but if I had known that we would no longer have you, I would have kept them.  There were so many memories...  but now, looking at my tree...

There is a crown that was given to us to hang on our tree as a reminder of the princess that you were.

A cupcake, to remind us of how much you loved your food, especially your cakes.

Birds, for your freedom and your love of music.

A beautiful bauble that we bought back from Disneyland...  to remind us of our happiest days on Earth...

It is a tree that has seen better days...  it is slowly falling apart, branch by branch...  and it has seen more than it's $25 share of life...  

But it is a tree that is so full of love.

Everything in our lives seems to be filled with so much love...  just not with you.

And we miss you.

So very much it hurts.