I guess this is kind of a different post to what I usually write. Normally I write to clear my head and store my memories for later so I can come back to them. Normally when I write I don't expect a response, I just want to write for myself... but tonight is different.
Tonight I am calling out for opinions and ideas... on what I should do with this dress.
This dress has kind of been dubbed 'the dress of doom' in our home.
The first time Nicola wore this dress was when I got into a heavy disagreement with the local Neurosurgeons. The plan, since the VP shunt was put in when Nicola was 1 year old had been to wait until she had recovered from the surgery, give her 6 - 12 months to stabilise and then block the shunt because they didn't believe she was shunt dependent.
6 months after having the shunt put in we found out it was over draining which caused a massive 1cm thick subdural haematoma (a massive blod clot) that covered the entire left side of her brain. This is what caused the muscle spasticity and wastage on the right side of her body, something she has never recovered from. We dialed the shunt back to basically nothing and the subdural haematoma cleared up.
12 months later when everything was as stable as it was going to get with the shunt in, we broached the subject of having it blocked off, which was the original plan... and the local Neurosurgeon made it clear that he never really entertained that thought, he just told us what we wanted to hear.
Well, I was NOT an impressed Mumma, to say the least!
Fast forward a little bit, to the second time Nicola wore this dress.
It was a straight forward, couldn't possibly have anything go wrong because it's just a quick review, appointment with her cardiologist. We had done the holter and the ECG and I fully expected for everything to be smooth sailing, come back in 6 months, kind of thing.
He told us that the Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy had gotten slightly worse. The pressure gradients in her pulmonary valve were increasing again. The PFO (hole in her heart) was definitely NOT going to clear up on her own... oh, and to just make it peachy... she was developing an arrhythmia. While none of it was yet severe enough to be concerned about, especially given her shocking response to her last round of heart surgery, it would need to be watched closely.
Slap, slap, slap, and slap.
Finally... and this is the ULTIMATE kicker...
This is the dress that Nicola was wearing the day we found the tumor.
This dress has not been on her since. I will NOT allow Alyssa to wear it. I will not even allow it to go into the baby doll dress up box.
I don't feel that I am able to pass something with such negative karmic connotations on to another person. I cannot give it away. I cannot give it to charity. I don't even feel completely comfortable throwing it in landfill in case someone, somewhere, gets the idea to pick it up, take it home and wash it.
So, I am left with one option.
I need to sacrifice this dress.
I must admit, given the number of negative experiences we have shared with this dress, I cannot help but feel a little shimmer of excitement at the thought of ripping this dress into a thousand pieces, or setting it on fire and screaming "BURN BABY BURN!!!" (while the children are at school of course, because I couldn't possibly get away with doing that in front of my fire conscious 6 year old!)
But, I'm not entirely convinced that either of those things, as satisfying as they may be, would do true justice to the amount of ill will I feel toward this dress and everything it has brought upon my Princess...
I ask you...
What should I do?
What is going to be the best way to sacrifice this dress?
Naturally, it will involve a party! Everything at the moment involves a party... but what should we do with this monstrosity before we celebrate?