Someone asked me recently why it is that I usually only blog when I have sadness to talk about.
I guess the main reason is because I blog as a way to release my emotions.
I only have a couple of real life friends who I can talk to, and none of them are really 'local' so most of our conversations are via phone, Facebook or email.
I can't really talk to my family, not properly. A lot of the time I feel the need to shield them from the reality that is our life, so they tend to get a readers digest version of everything that is going on.
My husband is wonderful, he has become so supportive and is generally right there with a hug when I am down, but even still, there are a lot of things that we don't really 'talk' about. I think there is this void between us where a lot of unsaid thoughts and feelings kind of disappear to. They drift into this void, and even though really we both know what the other is thinking and kind of understand the feelings, it remains unsaid for fear that vocalising it will make it really real... once something is said, it's out in the open and it can't be taken back.
So other than that... I blog.
For the Harry Potter fans among us, this blog is basically my pensieve. I take thoughts and emotions from my mind, I process them and I try to deal with them by writing them down... so I can go back later and reflect upon them.
Why I share them with the rest of the world... well... I guess I don't really know. I am not really sure how far Nicola's story has spread or how many lives, apart from ours, that she has touched... but I guess I just don't want to keep her story to myself. I want to share my beautiful girl with the world... and I guess it's comforting in some way to know that 'someone' is 'listening'... even if I don't know them, can't see or touch them, just to know that there is someone that cares enough to take the time to read what I write. Whether it be for me or for Nicola... 'someone' is there.
Most of the time, living this life is very isolating. I spend a lot of time feeling very much alone. We just don't seem to slot into any little box. Unlike most children with additional needs, Nicola has a mix of physical, medical and behavioral issues to contend with. Unlike most children with additional needs, Nicola now has the added complication of cancer. Unlike most children with cancer, Nicola has the added complication of a life time of incredibly complex additional needs.
We seem to have ended up chivied off to the side into this little niche all by ourselves... and it's a very lonely place to be...
Most of my 'life' gets sacrificed in the names of my children... I can't remember the last time I went to the hairdresser, my nails look wretched, I haven't bought new clothes in eons, my make up is so underused that my mascara expired before I even removed the plastic wrapper! The last time my husband and I went out for dinner or to the movies or had any kind of alone couple time was so long ago it was before we even moved back to Townsville and we've been here for over two years... we basically give up our own luxuries to ensure that our children have what they need to keep them going... so without everything else, all I have left is my thoughts...
And so I write.
I have dozens and dozens of posts that remain unpublished and most likely always will remain unpublished, but for the most part, this is my outlet, my release.
I try to write as often as I can... but mostly I write because thoughts have been built up so much that I need to clear some out...
And so I write.