I am discovering that I seriously hate this time of year... it is nothing but a constant reminder that my daughter is not like everyone elses. Every day is a new slap in the face, and I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!
I have spent 8 weeks trying to find something for Nicola for Christmas. I was lucky and scored some new clothes for her on sale, which she desperately needs... but looking for that really awesome Santa present... and nothing is suitable! I don't want to buy her 'yet another' baby toy because she isn't a baby! She's nearly two and a half years old dammit! I don't want to buy her another rattle, or another teething ring, or another stupid play mat! I want to be able to buy her something that has a bit of wow factor... instead, the best that I can come up with is a Big Red Car to go with her Wiggles toys that she loves...
And then, on top of that, is the constant need to keep reminding family members of what she can and can't use, again highlighting over nad over that my child is different to my nieces and nephews. My sister wants to buy her a jolly jumper and doesnt' seem to listen to me when I tell her that Nicola's hips are not stable enough to put her in a jolly jumper! That's why we had to stop using her bouncy round about thingy! The pressure on her hips was too much! Not to mention the fact that she doesn't have enough control over her body as a whole to use the damn thing, least of all on the trampoline where she expects her to use it!
And don't even get me started on the Christmas parties... I mean... to start with, there is the fact that I am constantly being asked questions about why she's so small and why she doesn't walk yet and why she doesn't talk yet and why she isn't like her siblings or her cousins... then, on top of that, there is the fact that everyone insists on scheduling their Christmas parties at night.
Nicola is in bed by 5.30pm! I have tried to explain that over and over but if I say I doubt we will be able to attend, I get made to feel like the worst family member in the world... so out of guilt I end up going, knowing full well that it means an absolutely horrific night for me because I'm stuck in the corner on my own trying to comfort a screaming child who is stuck in cyclic meltdown mode because she has been taken out of her comfort zone and out of her routine, not to mention that these parties are full of people she doesn't know which scares her, and they're generally noisy, which makes her head ache. Plus it is insanely hot and humid here and her poor little body just really cannot cope with the heat at all...
Then I have to put up with people talking about how she cries so much and she is not the bright and happy baby that her sisters were... Well, newsflash... WTF do you expect?!?!?!
When we finally do get her home, she's so out of whack that the few hours of misery we spend at the party means that she is completely beside herself for days afterward!
I am sick of it! I don't want to do Christmas any more!!!
I normally love Christmas, I really do! I love the whole season... but this year, I'm just over it. I am over the constant reminders of how different my life has become. I love my daughter, I wouldn't change her for the world... but this Christmas is just making me totally and utterly miserable.
Christmas really does bring out the worst in people! It is certainly bringing out the worst in me!