Someone Else...

You know those things that happen in life that happen to other people? Those awful, heartbreaking, gut wrenching things that just leave you feeling utterly lost and confused and wondering why it could possibly happen???

Those things that you never have to worry about, because they only happen to other people...

Well, those things seem to be happening a lot in my life lately.

I can't really explain it, but for some reason I guess I just had thought that with everything we have been dealing with with Nicola that the rest of my family would not have to suffer... after all, how much hurt and heartache can one family endure???

So last night I left my 3 year old daughter having her chemotherapy in Brisbane (with her Daddy, not alone!) so I could hold my sister's hand as she brought her precious baby boy into the world...

A baby who has been so loved and cherish, so longed for... a baby boy who was desperately wanted...

A baby boy who we were told two days ago had passed away in utero from unknown causes.

I can't explain how I feel except to say I am numb. I really, truly, genuinely believed that I would be the first, and only, in my family to bury a child... that my sister would be spared the heartache of loss... and this is just so senseless, so very meaningless.

If it were Nicola that had passed, at least it would be somewhat expected. She is a sick child, she has been unwell and medically fragile her entire life. She has cancer, she is battling odds higher than the tallest mountain... but this little boy, he didn't even have a chance to make it into the world.

He never drew a breath or smiled a smile... he never cried or laughed... but he is oh so very, very loved... and oh so very, very perfect.

This afternoon I stood and watched as this precious little boy was blessed by the Priest, and even though his words were meant to be comforting and reassuring, I found myself standing there thinking that I was right two days ago.

God is nothing but a vindictive prick who gets his kicks out of the misery and suffering of the many.

I know that I am supposed to hold fast to my beliefs, I am supposed to believe there is a reason behind everything and one day that reason will become clear...

But what possible reason is there for this to happen?

What reason is there to continually make a little girl suffer more and more??

What reason is there to take a much loved and wanted first born child from a mother and father who desperately wanted him and did everything right?

How is it fair that there are women out there who smoke, drink and do drugs through their entire pregnancy and give birth to normal, healthy babies, yet mothers like my sister, or even myself, who don't drink, don't do drugs, don't smoke and don't do anything wrong end up being penalized?

I know that there is so much more to it than that, but there shouldn't be. It should be simple. Good people should not have to deal with bad things. Good people should be blessed with happiness, not pain and heartache and suffering.

I guess today I am just feeling raw and emotional and so very very hurt and angry at the world in general...

But the world doesn't care...

The world still keeps turning...

clocks keep ticking...

people keep moving about, doing their own thing... completely oblivious.

Oblivious to the anger...

Oblivious to the pain...

Oblivious to the heartache...

After all...

Things like this don't happen to normal people...

They happen to 'someone else'.