We have been having an ongoing fight with the hospital over finding Nicola a surgery spot to have her port revised. The problem we have is that if they can't get her a place this week, then we are going to find ourselves stuck down here for another three weeks.
Which is just going to cause so many problems! We need to find somewhere else to stay because we can't stay here indefinitely, we are on very limited finances because this is all so very very expensive...
So when they told me this afternoon that the earliest theater slot they could get her was next Wednesday, I broke down and started crying, mainly from frustration and stress.
At which point my beautiful little four year old Isabella came out, hugged me, and said "Mummy, if Nicola dies, I am going to be very sad."
Honestly, you could have knocked me over with a light breeze. My heart just stopped. We have tried so hard to shield them from the reality of Nicola's diagnosis, and have made it very clear that no one is to even hint at the fact that Nicola might die, because I didn't want them to deal with that level of stress.
Apparently I didn't try hard enough.
I asked her where she got that idea from, and she told me Jessica told her. Where Jessica got it from, I have no idea, she won't tell me... but for some unknown amount of time she has been harbouring this fear that her baby sister is going to die, and she has been trying to protect me by not telling me about it.
Well that set me off all over again... between tears I was trying to explain to them how Nicola is very sick and how the tumor in her tummy that we have talked about is making her very very sick, but the doctors are giving her special medicine called chemo to try and make her better.
I am so out of my league here... I honestly don't know what to do. My first instinct is to shield them, to lie to them and promise them that everything will be OK and that Nicola will be just fine, but what if it isn't?
Being realistic, statistics are not on our side. They are stacked so highly against her that some hours it seems utterly insurmountable... yet how can I put that kind of stress, that kind of fear and heartache on two little girls who are still little more than babies themselves?
I spoke to our social worker back home who has said she will look into some counselling options for them, but until then, we just have to wait it out...
But at least now I understand their odd behaviour and their tempers and mood swings!
:'(
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